October is getting shorter, as are the days and I need to start being more active in my pursuit of higher education. A few days ago, I paid for the LSAT and I still can’t really convince myself that the world around me is real.
I’ve decided that though I have many goals and passions and aspirations… None of them seem to be growing during my time in undergrad. I love blogging, I love fashion and makeup, but I can’t seem to find a way to make that into a career. I feel so inadequate. I see others around me succeeding and I feel like a statue, one that can’t seem to get up in the morning. A statue that continually shoots itself in the foot (if statues could handle firearms) with anxiety. I maybe want to dye my black hair red, but I’m afraid it won’t turn out well.
With law school, I’ll have another tool in my arsenal of things that I know how to do. I’d be respected, which has been a whale I’ve always chased, obsessively. I’d also be able to help people and the planet and animals. Having felt so helpless and inadequate recently, it would be nice to feel important, someday. Not that I’m jealous, or bitter, I’ve always thought it to be a character flaw to not be able to be happy for others. I really do relish others’ successes, I just need to work on feeling better about my own.
I’m not doing badly. I have a 3.51 GPA, I’m president of the English Honor Society, and I was recently published in a national magazine. I still feel like I’m falling behind.
My next step is to start studying, and to make a list of schools to apply to. It’s tricky being in a relationship, as we both need to find schools we are happy with that are close enough to allow us to continue living together. I’m thinking of New York City and Philly at this point. More updates to come.